Ha Ha

[J Wight Sr]

>>> Basic Shop Tools and Their General Purpose
>>>
>>> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
>>> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
>>> flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical
>>> stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could
>>> get to it.
>>>
>>> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
>>> the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and
>>> hard-earned cleco calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
>>> to say, "Oh shit!" 
>>> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes 
until you die of >>> old age.
>>>
>>> SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>>>
>>> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
>>> blood-blisters.
>>>
>>> BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
>>> touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
>>>
>>> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
>>> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
>>> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
>>> dismal your future becomes. 
>>> VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to 
>>> completely round off bolt
>>> heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
>>> intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>>>
>>> WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction
>>> of intense welding< /SPAN> heat to the palm of your hand.
>>>
>>> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
>>> objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
>>> the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
>>>
>>> TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
>>> projectil es for testing wall integrity. 
>>> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for 
>>> lowering an automobile to the ground
>>> after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
>>> firmly under the bum per.
>>>
>>> EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
>>> off of a trapped hydraulic jack hand le.
>>>
>>> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
>>> drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
>>> possible future use. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily 
>>> used by most shops to
>>> cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
>>> the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
>>> outside edge. 

>>> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum 
>>> tensile strength of
>>> everything you forgot to disconnect.
>>>
>>> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
>>> inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
>>> opposite the handle.
>>>
>>> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>>>
>>> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: No rmally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
>>> and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
>>> your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
>>> Phillips screw heads. 

>>> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint 
>>> cans. Sometimes used to
>>> convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
>>>
>>> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
>>> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>>>
>>> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
>>>
>>> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
>>> used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
>>> adjacent the object we are trying to hit
>>>
>>> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice t hrough the contents of
>>> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
>>> on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
>>> collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
>>> Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
>>>
>>> DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
>>> while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
>>> the next tool that you will need.



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